Positively Perky and Other Stories
by Tweedle-Dee1
Summary: A slight parody that doesn't try too hard. Now Slash in Chapter 4. Several stories, seemingly unrelated, that all eventually intertwine together. HD. A light read, picks up after chapter 1.
1. Default Chapter

Positively Perky and Other Stories

Transfiguration class

The sun came up slowly, rising over the mountains and streaming into the valley. Birds fluttered and chirped happily, reminding sleepy humans that the day had begun. Oh, and what a marvelous day it was to be! The leaves on the tree were turning from green to golden brown and red, and the air was crisp and sweet. Underneath the willow was a small cluster of rabbits…'

Minerva McGonagall looked up from the parchment and at her class. They were quietly studying and preparing for their next test while she graded the essays they'd just turned in.

"Mister Malfoy." Draco looked up from his text and smiled.

"Mister Malfoy, care to explain your essay?" Draco's smile was replaced with a look of confusion. Minerva pressed on.

"Mister Malfoy, do you know what the subject was for the essay?" By now the whole class had turned their attention towards Draco, who slowly shook his head 'no'. Minerva leaned back into her chair and folded her hands on her lap, frowning.

"It was about the dangers of transfiguring ones self into water-" Hermiones hand shot up into the hair. When she wasn't called upon directly she began waving her hand about frantically, and made a slightly constipated face.

"That wasn't a question Miss Granger." Hermione ignored the first part of the sentence, deciding to only hear her name. She stood and began to recite her essay.

"In the late 1700's the wizard Stephen Grugen put down on parchment in ink the first known spell to turn a wizard into water-"

"Miss Granger, please-"

"He introduced it to the wizarding world at the Witch Craft and Wizardry annual Convention. The magical population immediately embraced the spell, not knowing the evils that it harbored-"

"Miss Granger-"

"The obvious dangers of turning into water were ignored and the spell was placed in every standard text book, and taught in schools. Although there had been a few complaints to the ministry about mishaps, but they were more or less ignored, blaming the mishaps on the wizards incompetence and the newness of the spell-"

"Potter, Weasley, please, try to stop her."

"Actually, when she gets like this, it's really best just to let her finish, that way no one gets hurt or a lecture." Ron said. Harry nodded in agreement.

"The dangers finally became apparent when it was taught to a third year transfiguration class. The students practiced the spell a few times before turning themselves into water. However, when they reversed the spell, and turned back to humans, they found that they had lost or gained various body parts-"

"Arrrrrrrrrrgh!"

"This was due to the fact that water is a free flowing liquid, and when transformed into a free flowing liquid there is no guarantee that all of you will stay in one place. Your fingers may slip through a crack in the floor or someone else's leg may-"

At this point Minerva had a moment of clarity, and a light from heaven shone down upon her. She got an idea.

"Miss Granger, if you do not stop at once, I'll be forced to fail you!" Hermione's mouth clamped shut and she sat down immediately. The class let out a collective sigh and Minerva continued with Draco.

"Now, Mister Malfoy, what did you write your story about?" Draco's eyes lit up and he smiled in an excited manner.

"It is a children's story about rabbits!" He breathed excitedly, his hands balled in excited fists. Minerva raised an eyebrow.

"You took your medicine today, didn't?"

"Yup, and then some!" Draco chirped happily, pulling his legs underneath him.

"Why didn't you do the assignment?"

"What assignment? Oh, you mean the essay, I did that, but I didn't turn it in. Did you get to the part where Floppy and Dandelion are in the farmers garden and the cat comes?"

"No, not yet. Why didn't you turn in the essay?"

"It was to personal."

"You mean the reason you didn't turn it in is personal?"

"No, the essay itself is too personal." Draco's tone was serious. "Did you see the illustration at the end of page four?" But the tone didn't last long. Minerva shook her head and sighed.

"Perhaps you should lower your dosage."

Hallway

"Heeeeey, Roooooon!" Seamus ran up to the red head with his arms flaying. When he finally caught up with Ron, he leaned down, with his hands on his knees.

"Just….let…me…catch…my….breath." Ron crossed his arms over his chest and tapped his foot impatiently.

"What do you want Finnegan?"

"Hermione, she's, like stuck, or something!"

"Stuck?" Seamus flayed his arms some more as he explained.

"Yeah, like, her brain froze or something and know the only thing she can do is recite things from text books! At first, when she started in on Hogwarts History, we all thought it was routine, but she just kept going and going!"

"Not unlike the energizer bunny."

"Yeah-huh? Oh never mind! We have to go, I fear you are the only one who can save her!" And with that Ron and Seamus ran down the hall towards the Gryffindor tower.

Professor Sprouts Class

"Oh, what a glorious day!" Draco flung the door open and twirled around, his hands above his head. As he turned to face the rest of the class, who were sitting on the floor, white doves flew from his outstretched arms. As the doves flew, white flowers floated down to the students below. The doves circled the room twice, then left through an open window, leaving a trail of flower behind them. Professor Sprout smiled and clapped her hands together.

"What a wonderful spell, Draco!" Draco took a bow and sat down. Sprout patted his head and ruffled his hair.

"You've been so wonderful since you've taken those pills!" She said cheerily, to which Draco replied:

" Mr. Sun-Shine is happy, and Mother Nature has a smile on her face! Zip-a-dee-do-da Zip-a-dee-da!" Professor Sprout smiled, and moved to the front of the class. Her and Draco had never gotten along before; their personalities were too contradictory. But now they could be happy and perky together.

"Alright class, today we're going to learn about the Spring-plant. Does anyone know about the Spring-plant?" The class stared at her in silence, the Ravenclaws scribbled down the word 'Spring-Plant' on their parchment, and the Slytherins ignored her, well, except one Slytherin who had his hand in the air.

"I knooooow!" Sang Draco, waving his hand at the teacher.

"Yes, Draco?" Draco stood, and swayed back and forth in excitement.

"It's, it's, it's this plaaaaaant, and it only grows in the tropics, aaaaaaaand if you eaaaaat it by itself you'll die! But when mixed with the proper ingredients it makes healing potions, and, and, and flying potions!" The Slytherin's had gotten used to Draco's positively perky attitude by now, but it was shocking to the Ravenclaws, who still hadn't gotten over his enterance. Professor Sprout clapped and then hugged Draco, awarding him ten house points. A Raven claw leaned over towards Pansy.

"What's wrong with him? He seems so, so…"

"Happy, I know, isn't it terrible. The Professors got tired of his cold, mean, and depressing attitude and got him Prozac, Celexa, Zoloft, Paxil, and a bunch more and shoved them down his throat. It's so sad, I'm in mourning." Pansy cried softly. Blaise put a comforting arm around her.

"We all are." He explained, "To us, the real Draco has died."

"And he's never coming back! The happy pills killed him!" Pansy sobbed. The Ravenclaw scooted away slowly.

The Gryffindor Tower

"Ron's here!" Seamus announced as the two boys barreled into the common room. Hermione was standing erect in the middle of the room, her mouth was moving, but nothing was coming out.

"She isn't saying anything." Ron said, scratching his head.

"We put a silencing spell on her, she was reciting her potions book word for word!" Dean explained, dragging Ron closer to Hermione. Harry was sitting in an armchair with a book of spells perched on his lap. He looked up and gave a sigh of relief when he saw Ron.

"Thank god you're here! We've tried everything, even had Fred and George take a go at her." Ron stroked his chin with his hand and walked around her, studying her careful.

"What about trying what McGonagall did earlier? Just tell her she's failing something." Harry shook his head.

"We tried that already."

"How about tearing pages out of books and then burning them in front of her?"

"No good. We all did that to our potions books already."

"What about-"

"And our History of Hogwarts."

"Oh." Ron rubbed his temples in concentration. "Fondling her?"

"Yeah, didn't work."

"Really, 'cause I'd have thought…"


	2. Chapter 2

Part Two: INTERVENTION… among other stuff…

A/N: Okay, this is my second installation: I know, I know, it's a bit slow moving, but be patient. It's just supposed to be silly. What I want to do is have little stories intertwining: Right now there are only three, or really only two… I don't know, but there are going to be more and other characters. Voldemort probably won't make it into my fic, but there will be couples eventually:

H/D

R/HG (established)

And others to come! I'm open to suggestions, so please! If you have an idea about anything just tell me. Oh, and please review, if not for me then for the little children I keep in my basement: Every time I get a review they get a meal!

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Pansy, Blaise, Crabbe, and Goyle were extremely upset, and rightly so, Draco Malfoy the leader of the Slytherin's, hated and feared by all was happy. Not only was it upsetting but it was disturbing. Draco's smile was a tad unnerving and it seemed completely unnatural, sneers and smirks were much more at home on the boys face. For Slytherin's smiles come in the form of smirks, or twisted evil smiles that instilled fear into first years. But when Draco smiled there were sun beams, rainbows, warmth, and…Happiness. It was terribly distressing.

It wasn't that the Slytherins wanted Draco to be depressed, they just didn't want him to be so happy and positive and perky and helpful and kind and and and..

"I just can't take it anymore! Seeing him like this is killing me!" Pansy wailed, throwing her arms in the air to demonstrate just how horrible and desperate the situation was. Blaise nodded in agreement.

"Something has to be done. I can't believe the professors had an intervention- how many pills did they shove down his throat anyway? He was practically skipping today!"

"Practically? If only, Blaise, he _was _skipping and humming for fucks sake, _humming_!" It was true, early that morning Draco had entered the dining hall skipping and humming, it seemed so surreal. He had also sung in the shower this morning, but Blaise decided that Pansy didn't need to know that particular piece of information, instead he just made a worried face and straked his chin thoughtfully.

"Yes, he does seem to be getting worse everyday. Hmmm, well there is only one thing that we can do--"

"Beat him senseless?" Crabbe suggested.

"Noooo, what we have to do is—"

"I won't let you kill him, Blaise!" Pansy cried, grabbing Blaise violently and shaking him. "I just won't let you!"

"I don't want to kill him or beat him or anything remotely violent."

"I wasn't against violence, just killing him was a bit too extreme."

"Will you just listen to be or do you want Draco to stay like this forever?" Pansy opened her mouth to retort, but shut it when Blaise glowered at her. "As I was saying, what we need to do is intervene the professor's intervention."

"You mean we'll have an intervention intervention?"

"Precisely." And so the four Slytherins began to plan their intervention. Huddled together in the middle of the Slytherin common room, deep in discussion they didn't notice that Draco himself was approaching wearing a broad smile.

"Hey guys! What's up? Can I join, it looks fun!" The group jumped in surprise, turning to face a positively perky Draco Malfoy. Their looks of surprise changed into twisted evil smiles as they advanced towards their friend.

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"I really can't believe it, it's been over twenty-four hours! When will she become unstuck?" Hermione was still in the same position as she was the previous night, her mouth moving but nothing coming out. Her friends, who'd stayed up the whole night trying to fix her, were all slumped around the fire trying to stay awake.

" What if we just slug her?" Ron suggested, a few hours ago his suggestion was ignored, no one really wanted to physically harm their friend, and beating her up seemed a little extreme, but now, it was very tempting. Groggily Harry acquiesced.

"It's not like we haven't tried like everything else, I mean, I want the old Hermione back, and if we leave her like this she'll probably die from starvation and exhaustion." So it was agreed, they'd hit her, but one question remained: Who.

"I am so not hitting her! If it works she'll go like berserk and lecture me about hitting girls and how- well, I'm just not doing it. Besides, it was Ron's idea, I think he should do it." The others agreed, but Ron held up his hands in protest.

"No way, I mean I'm her boyfriend! I can't hit her, that's like really really wrong. And then she might break up with me, and I just can't, I don't even think I can get myself to hit her."

"You have a really good point, but it's not like any of us could hit her either. But the question is- shit, why didn't I think of this before, we could get Pansy or someone to do it!" Harry said, proud of his epiphany.

"A Slytherin?"

"Yeah, it's perfect. They won't have any qualms about hitting her and she already hates them so who cares if she gets mad, right?" Everyone agreed readily and they headed for the dungeons to find a willing Slytherin, which considering shouldn't be too hard to do. As they entered the dungeons they heard the unmistakably shrill voice of Pansy coming from an unoccupied classroom.

"Craaaaaaaaaabbe, we said no violence, don't hit him." The Gryffindors raised their eyebrows, but ventured towards the class room. They pushed into the room only to stumble across one of the strangest scenes they'd ever witnessed.

Draco was tied to a chair with leather straps, gagged, with his eyes forced open. Around him were Blaise, Crabbe, Goyle, and Pansy, Blaise was in the process of putting eye drops into Draco's eyes, who squirmed unhappily. In the front of the classroom was a magical projection of Slytherins torturing first years, pulling pranks and taunting Gryffindors, and smirking, scowling, and sneering. Currently the screen was playing a scene from when the Slytherins trashed the Gryfindor's common room.

"I knew it was you who did that! You are so gonna get it!" Ron shouted angrily, pointing at the screen. Blaise just glared at the intruder as Draco squirmed and moaned.

"What do you want, Gryffndorks?"

"Mmma-hnnnn, heeeee! MmmmUhh!"

"Be quiet Draco, this is for your own good, just watch..the…Screen!" He grabbed Draco's head and held it still.

"We…errr, we… what's going on? Do I really want to know?"

"For your information, Potter, it's none of your business. But since you're here, we're having an intervention—you've probably noticed Draco's change lately." Harry nodded, he had to admit that the change in Draco did seem strange, but it wasn't wholly unwelcomed.

"Look, um, we need your help, see Hermione is stuck-"

"Stuck? We have our hands full with Draco, besides we don't help Gryffindopes… but out of curiosity, stuck?" Pansy was torn, she hated that the Gryffindors were here, but she was also curious, what did they mean by stuck? She imagined Granger stuck in s hole that she'd tried to crawl through, her ass hanging out one end, legs kicking. Or maybe she'd gotten stuck in the toilet. The mental images were too much, Pansy began to giggle.

"She started I don't know, she just started reciting text books, word for word, not moving, just like reading- but not, you know? I hadn't realized that she'd actually memorized all her text books, but apparently, so anyway she's stuck, she's on like her third book already or something, we don't know because we put a silence spell over her and we've tried like everything." Harry explained, his hands in his pockets, glancing over at Draco who was still struggling against the straps. It was a little bit disturbing, but a little bit intriguing.

"Did you try groping her?" Blaise suggested.

"It didn't work."

"Well, what exactly do you want us to do? If you couldn't snap granger out of it what makes you think that one of us could? She hates us."

"That's exactly the point, see, she hates you and you hate her: the feeling is mutual, right?"

"Duh. Get on with it Potter, we're kinda busy."

"Well, we think hitting her might take her out of it, but none of us want to hit us, I mean she is our friend and besides she'll get pissed at us, but you guys wouldn't have a problem with hitting her, in fact we figured you'd probably enjoy it, and she already doesn't like you so it won't matter if she is mad at you. So, will you help us?" Harry almost pleaded, he really wanted to get out of the room and he really wanted Hermione back to normal. Pansy thought for a moment, she was very intrigued by the proposition.

"Let me get this straight, I can hit Granger?"

"That's right."

"And you guys won't like get mad?"

"We want you to hit her." A large, excited smile replaced Pansy's scowl. She rubbed her hands together in anticipation, licking her lips.

"Fuck yeah I'll hit the mudblood for you! This is great! Where is she?" Pasny followed the Gryffindors to their dorm, the whole way verbally expressing her excitement.

"This is gonna be so awesome, man, I've always wanted to hit Granger, ya know, I just never had the chance, but now, now it's like I can hit like I've always wanted and I'm fucking stocked, absolutely! I'm gonna hit her hard too, and shit, this will be so cool. I've always wanted to hit her, awww, man. She is such an annoying bitch, she totally deserves this! I can't believe I get to hit the mudblood." Red in the face Ron turned to face the giddy girl.

"Would you just shut-up. It's not like we want you to hit her, this is a last resort. We just want to fix her. And if you say mudblood one more time I'm going to hit you!" Pansy scrunched up her face and puffed out her cheeks. She didn't say anything, she really didn't want to screw this up. If she said one more thing then someone else was going to have the pleasure of hitting Granger, and she really wanted to do it.

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Ginny Weasely was bored. This whole Hermione-thing was annoying and had only been fun for a while. There was nothing to do, so she went to the library in hopes of stumbling across something interesting and if all else failed she could at least check out a book to read or work on her neglected homework. As she made her way down to the library she past Harry, her brother, and Pansy (along with a few other Gryffindors), Pansy looked extremely happy, and Ron looked pissed. It looked mildly interesting, but since they were headed to the Gryffindor tower she figured that it had something to do with Hermione.

At the library nothing, absolutely nothing was going on. There was a group of Ravenclaws studying, and Colin Creevy was reading, probably about Harry Potter. Ginny avoided Colin. She sighed, sitting at an empty table, nothing had really happened to her since her first year. Now in her sixth year she was desperate for some kind of adventure, but those seemed designated for Harry Potter.

Life is really, really, really boring, she thought, rest her head in her hands.

"Hey Ginny!" Ginny groaned, not bothering to look up.

"Hello, Colin." Colin sat down across from her and pulled out a manila folder, pulling out the contents and spreading them over the table.

"Can I interest you in a picture of Harry Potter?"

"You know I'm over that Colin." Colin scooped up the photos and put them back, taking out another folder.

"Well, I have photos of Hogwarts top ten hottest guys. Does that interest you?" Ginny looked up at him and feigned interest.

"Who do you have? Any nudies?" Colin smiled and pulled out yet another folder, taking out several pictures, handing them to Ginny. Glancing over them Ginny nearly fell out of her chair, most of the pictures were of Draco Malfoy. There were ones of him sleeping, some shower scenes, one even caught him in the act of masturbation.

"Now, I don't do this for just anyone, but you being a close personal friend I'm willing to give you some of those top-quality, nude pictures of Mr. Malfoy, currently ranked The Hottest Guy in Hogwarts, for the low price of five sickles."

"How did you get these." Ginny asked incredulously, not taking her eyes off of the masturbating Malfoy.

"That one is ten sickles, it was extremely hard to get. That was right as he climaxed." Ginny dropped the photo in embarrassment, turning it over.

"For fucks sakes, Colin, how would you like it if someone took a picture of you wanking it off and then sold it? Is this even legal, I mean my God! Who even buys these?"

"Oh, it's a very lucrative business, especially the pictures of Draco. Harry pulls in good money, but not nearly what I get for those pictures of Draco." Colin smiled. "So, do you want that or not? I have other clients to meet with, ones who will pay big money for that picture right there."

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"I can't believe Pansy just left us like that!" Blaise sulked, feeling it was unfair that Pansy got to hit Granger and he was stuck putting eye drops in Draco's eyes. It had been nearly two hour since they had started and there didn't seem to be any progress, except that Draco had given up trying to escape.

"It's not fair. She gets to hit the mudblood. I don't see why Pansy got to do it and not me. Everyone knows I hit harder than anyone."

"Shut it Crabbe, I hit harder then anyone!"

"No you don't Goyle, I do, like I says, everyone knows it."

"Nu-uh. Your fucking dreaming. You hit like a pussy-little girl compared to me!"

"Oh, yeah. Why don't I hit you so that you know?"

"Better yet, I'll slug you."

"Fer crying out loud! I've had enough of this! I'm tired and hungry." Blaise cried angrily, pushing himself between the fighting boys. He stalked towards the door.

"Yeah, we missed lunch. Let's go raid the kitchen." The three of them left in search of food.

"MMMmmm-hhnnnn? Hmmm-nee! HHHMM! ERUUU!"

Poor Draco.

That's all for now, I'll update soonly! I hope you all like this chapter, it was really fun to write… which may mean it sucks, but I thought it was fun.

Listening to: Basket case, Green Day


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: In the last chapter I used the word like too much. That will end. Thank you, please review this if you like it, hate it, think it's funny, or want it to burn in hell.

Chapter three: Oops…

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"I can't believe it didn't work!" Ron moaned, slumping down into an overstuffed chair. Seamus sighed, Harry shook his head slowly, and Pansy punched Granger in the stomach. She didn't even flinch.

"You know, I could…" Pansy inspected Hermione carefully, putting her hands on her hips and glaring at the bushy haired girl. "You bushy headed, know-it-all, mudblood, beaver girl! You think you're so high and mighty just 'cus you hang out with scar head, but you're just a ugly, nerdy, bookworm with terrible teeth." Pansy leaned in close and sneered venomously. When nothing happened she pulled back, her facial features scrunching up in frustration.

"Huh, I coulda sworn that would've worked." Seamus put his hand on her shoulder and smiled.

"S'all right mate. You gave it your best shot." Pansy growled and forcibly knocked away his hand.

"First off, don't ever touch me again you filthy half-blood, secondly Slytherins don't give in as easy as you pussy-shit Gryffindor cunts. Close your ears boys, you might not be able to handle what I'm about to say." The Gryffindors looked at each other worriedly, but covered their ears. They watched as Pansy sneered and glared and said what they could only guess were horrible and highly offensive insults. After a few minutes of this Pansy stopped, dropping her shoulders in defeat, the boys uncovered their ears.

"I really can't believe _that_ didn't work." Pansy sighed, but she had the look of determination, she rolled up her sleeves and rubbed her hands together.

"Alright guys, tell me everything you did that didn't work, and I'll try to improvise."

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Colin began putting away his pictures, and started to get up. Ginny grabbed his arm and pulled him back down.

"Wait. I'm intrigued. Tell me how you get these photos; I can't imagine Malfoy is willing to pose for you." Slowly Colin sat back down, folding his hands in front of him.

"Exactly why should I tell you anything?" He smirked, which was unlike him, but with his slicked back hair and pointy nose made him look part shrewd businessman, part pervert. Ginny fingered one of the folders before pulling it completely into her possession, Colin reached for it, but she kept it tauntingly out of reach.

"I'm not sure that Dumbledore would approve of your… lucrative business, in fact, I believe some of these pictures would constitute grounds for, oh, I don't know, expulsion, or better yet, peeping tom, sex offender, and all around pervvy creep. What do you think?"

"Alright. You win, what do you want to know?" Ginny leaned back smiling.

"How do you know where Malfoy is? These pictures, you must have been following him very closely to get them." Colin sighed, digging into his bag. He pulled out a scroll.

"I have a map—" Ginny grabbed the map from his hands and rolled it open. It was completely blank.

"But this is…" Colin put his wand on the parchment and tapped it twice.

"Show me Malfoy." He said, and as soon as he did an intricate map of Hogwarts inked itself onto the paper, and in a little unused classroom in the dungeons was a black dot labeled DM.

"You made this yourself?" Ginny said incredulously. Colin looked taken aback, he huffed before admitting:

"Fred and George helped me. They said it was based on a map they'd pilfered from Filch a while back, only a bit simpler. I don't know the particulars. Anyway, we worked on it together."

"My brothers barely know you! And they don't much care for you either, why on earth would they help you with this?"

"George has a bit of a thing for Malfoy, I promised free pictures." Ginny screwed up her face in disgust.

"I really didn't need to know that. How do you keep your…subjects from hearing your camera or seeing the flash?" Colin laughed haughtily through his nose.

"Simple spells, Ginny, geez, you should have been able to figure that out on your own! A silencer spell, that's pretty obvious, and a simple hiding spell for the flash. Are you really in the same year I am?" Ginny frowned.

"Be careful Creevy, you're starting to sound like a Slytherin. You're already slimy and unbearable, if you start talking like them too you'll become one."

"Thanks for the warning. Now if that's all you wanted to know there is a very lovely Malfoy all alone in the dungeons and I don't want to miss this opportunity." He swng his bag over his shoulder and headed out the door, closely followed by Ginny.

"Wait! Take me with you."

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"Trelawny, please get this over with. I really don't have time to waste on your silly predictions." Severus Snape was unhappily cornered buy the eccentric woman in his own room. In no particular rush Trelawny conjured up a pot of tea, two cups, and a platter of biscuits.

"Really, Severus, you can't rush these types of things. But since you insist, I was sitting in my room, meditating, as I always do around this time of day when I saw myself having tea with you, and you know, why fight the fates!" She sipped her tea and looked up at Severus through thick fake lashes. Severus sat down across from the insufferable woman and realizing that she meant to stay poured himself a cup of tea.

"I've really wanted a chance to read you Severus. You are a very interesting and complex man, you intrigue me greatly." She smiled seductively over her cup. Severus grimaced slightly, giving the biscuits all of his attention. Trelawny moved her hand over his, and stroked the back of it with her index finger, letting her long, painted nails drag over the surface.

"Let me read your palm, Severus." She turned it over slowly, her eyes still watching Severus's face (which had paled considerably) intently. Pulling his palm close to her face she readjusted her over size spectacles and concentrated on his palm. Slowly she traced her finger across his life line.

"You're going to live a strong healthy life." She breathed slowly, moving her finger over his love line. She paused, closing her eyes and bringing his hand to her chest. Instinctively he tried to pull his hand back, but her grip was commendable.

"Oh, how terribly sad! You've never loved, and those you did rejected you, left you, harmed you! My poor Severus! What burdens your heart carries! But don't despair, for there is still hope for you to find happiness, I saw in you palm that you were about to encounter a very lovely and also lonely woman and the two of you will live happily for the rest of our lives." Severus's eye twitched, he tried once more to move his hand, but failed again.

"Somebody's at the door- I really ou-ought t-t-t" Severus's eyes widened in shock and dismay as Trelawny moved his hand onto one of her breasts, pushing it firmly.

"Don't be shy, Severus." She moaned happily.

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"Be quiet, absolutely silent." Colin instructed Ginny sternly as they moved to the door. Ginny reached out to open it only to have her hand swatted away by Colin's.

"What do you think you're doing? You don't open the door!"

"Yeah, well how do you take the pictures?" Ginny retorted, embarrassed that she couldn't hold her own with Colin. He waved his wand and muttered a spell under his breath, the door shimmered for a moment, rippled like water before completely disappearing.

"An invisible spell, we can see through the door, but her can't see us."

"Clever." The both peered inside the room, scanning it for Draco. Ginny gasped in surprise and Colin excitably grabbed his camera: there in front of them was Draco, head lowered, bound and gagged to a chair.

"There is no one else there. I didn't know Malfoy was into S&M. I think it's safe to go in, there isn't much he can do to us tied up like that. These pictures are gonna sell like hotcakes, I wonder what price I can get on them?" Colin wondered while shooting a few shots from outside the door. They entered the room silently, walking slowly over to Draco's side.

"I wonder who is, you know, his partner?" Colin shrugged, snapping another picture. Suddenly Draco shoot up, his eyes still pulled open, and the gag still in his mouth. Ginny and Colin jumped back in surprise, Draco stared at them for a moment before starting to struggle against the bonds. Colin rushed around him taking photo after photo while Ginny watched.

"Mmmfff,hhhh? Nnna-mmmma! Nnnnee!"

"Do you think he wants to untie him?" Ginny asked, unable to understand Malfoy's cries for help.

"Nah, whoever tied him up will probably be back soon, he's probably just embarrassed that we discovered his secret. I'm just gonna take a few more pictures, and then we can leave."

"Ok"

"Mmma…Nnna! Hnnner-ma! Geeeeelp!" But it was to no avail, Draco Malfoy was once again left alone, bond and gagged.

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Pansy ran down to the dungeons and through a secret corridor that lead directly to Snape's private quarters. She knocked loudly; when no one answered she opened it anyway and barged in.

"Professor Snape, Professor Snape!" She called, running into his small parlor where she stumbled slightly in astonishment. "Professors! I'm so sorry to have intruded, I'll just leave.. I'm so sorry!" She said, covering her eyes and trying to get out as quickly as humanely possible. Severus, seizing the opportunity, got to his feet and ran after Pansy.

"Wait! Miss Parkison, please, it wasn't what it looked like! What did you need?" Pansy slowed, but averted her eyes as she spoke, careful not to make eye contact.

"It's about Granger, she's stuck and I thought maybe you could help."

"Stuck?" Suddenly Professor Trelawny burst into the hallway, spotting Severus and running towards him. "Oh, yes, stuck, I understand, lets go!" He grabbed Pansy's arm and took off at a sprint towards the Gryffindor tower, Trelawny trying to catch up but falling over her pumps.

"Wait! You might need my guidance!"

Professor Snape and Pansy entered the Gryffindor Commons room out of breath but safe. Pansy fell to the ground, sweating and breathing heavily. The Gryffindors stared at her then at Snape, who was also trying to catch his breath.

"Snape! Snape was you big idea?" Ron shouted, offended that the greasy potions master was in their common room. Pansy sneered at him.

"As if your ideas were working."

"Now, stuck, what did you mean by stuck." Snape asked, straightening out his robes. Pansy pointed Hermione's motionless form, well, motionless except for her mouth. Snape swooped over to her and inspected her closely, pulling out his wand and removing the silencing spell.

"…If this spell is completed correctly then the object should return to it's normal form in a matter of minutes. If the object does not please consult chapter eleven: How to remove simple Transformation spells…" He quickly re-silenced her and turned towards his students.

"I really don't see what you expect me to do about this, I—" The portrait door swung open revealing Professor Trelawny, pumps in her hand, leaning against the opening.

"I had a vision that you would need my foresight, so I came as quickly as I could to assist you Severus."

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Okay, that's all for now. I know, that was nasty between Snape and Trelawny. I didn't mean for it to happen, but I had an epiphany! I liked this chapter a lot. What to expect for the next one: Draco finally gets out and he isn't exactly Positively perky anymore ! I love reviews! The next chapter will be out as soon as possible! I'm having uber amounts of fun writing it! And go check out my more serious story while your at it! Bye!


	4. Chapter 4

I AM NO LONGER PERKY!

Please untie me….

AN: Like no one is reading this, but I enjoy writing it very, very much, so if those of you who have fondled my story and have found it pleasurable please review? And thanks to those who've taken the time to read my story, I hope you've enjoyed it.

Ginny and Colin are pretty OOC, but hey, I figure they are apart of the supporting cast and I can do what I like, after all, the books don't delve too much into detail when it comes to these two. And I certainly don't know their specific relationship (I've only read up to the fourth book…. I'm a little out of touch…. But I'm going for different, not accurate). (If you want accurate go read the fucking books, I mean right, really. Good.)

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Hermione Granger was stuck, yes, still, even after three potions, twelve bogus predictions, and one reading of tea leaves that came to the conclusion that Hermione was undoubtedly, undeniably, indisputably stuck forever. There was no one, not even Harry Potter; that could save her from her irrefutable demise.

"Severus, you've tried amiably, your efforts are certainly commendable, your skills unsurpassed, but Miss Granger will not profit from your heroic endeavors, that is what I see in my crystal ball, and it's what I've seen in my crystal ball!" Trelawny waved her hands in the air, putting on a knowing façade.

"I'm quite au fait with Miss Granger's current state, I've seen it over and over in my seeings. Such a sad affair, surely." She paused dramatically, bringing her hands together and bowing her head. Harry looked at her incredulously.

"You're telling me you knew?" Trelawny looked up at him with a stone serious face.

"Of course I knew, my child. I can see these sorts of things, after all I have the sight."

"Alright, if you _knew_ then why didn't you tell anyone so this could have been prevented?" Harry seethed, upset about Hermione, tired, and annoyed with Trelawny's bogus predictions. He glared at her, daring her to defend herself. But she misunderstood his anger, mistaking it as his belief and actual anger for her not disclosing the future before it came to pass.

"Harry, my boy, I understand you're angry that I never told you the terrible truths I foresaw, but it wouldn't have mattered, it is what is quite frustrating about having the eye, the ability to see, because no matter how terrible I know the future is going to be there is nothing I can do about it! The future will come as it will come, even if I'd told you about your friends fate it wouldn't have stopped the inevitable. Fate is fate. Oh, what a terrible curse I have! To see the future, but not be able to do anything about it!" She posed, the back of her hand on her forehead, her head thrown back and to the side theatrically.

"If you can't do anything about it," Harry said through clenched teeth, his eyes narrow, "then why are you here?" Trelawny faltered for a moment, her extravagant veneer fractured. Her mouth swung open to retort, but when nothing came to mind she pursed her lips together and swooped to the portrait where she moaned loudly.

"My dear boy, I am essential." Was all she said before exiting dramatically. There was a collective feeling of relief, which was temporarily ruined as she stuck her head back in and said:

"Severus, darling, we will continue our chat from earlier at a later date, hmmm?" Both Severus and Pansy paled considerably.

Hermione was still stuck.

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"These are going to bring in so much money!" Colin cried in delight, petting and kissing his camera. Ginny watched in disgust, but was intrigued at the prospect of money.

"You said these Malfoy pictures, they are quite lucrative?"

"Outstandingly." Colin replied, braggingly.

"I want a part of it."

"What? No way." Ginny shoved Colin roughly against the wall, prying his camera out of his hands. He protested violently, but she was stronger than him, keeping him securely against the wall.

"Give me back my camera!" She just smirked. "You said I was the one who was turning into a Slytherin? You're one to talk."

"Look you slimy little perverted maggot, I got lots of dirt on you, first of all, I know that if you hadn't put that little memory charm on Draco just now he'd kill you for taking his picture, now I wonder what he would think of these pictures of him in the shower, or the ones of him masturbating? I wonder if he'd let you die quickly or if he'd torture you for a while, because my guess would be torture. Not to mention you'd be expelled! Labeled as a-"

"I get it, for Christ's sake, you don't have to repeat yourself! Just don't do anything to my camera." Ginny thrust the camera back into his greedy little paws and put her hands on her hips.

"Well, do I get a piece of the pie or what?" Colin sneered.

"I work alone. Stupid Weasely's, always desperate for money. HOWever, I can turn you onto to someone, the kid who runs the black market around here, regulates everything—he'll set you up with profitable business."

"I don't want to work for anyone. I didn't realize that Hogwarts had a black market."

"Oh, it does. This guy can turn you onto some worthwhile endeavors; he was the one who turned me onto the demand of Malfoy pictures. He can help you out, I promise." Ginny mulled over what he'd said, considering all the possibilities. An black market could be bad news, she thought.

'But isn't this what I wanted? An adventure? Maybe I'll discover a prostitution ring or a drug ring or better yet a slave ring, and then I could go undercover, get the down-low, and then tell Dumbledore- I'll be the hero! I'll have my adventure.' And so Ginny agreed to meet this mysterious leader of the Black Market.

"Who is it? What's his name?" She inquired, following Colin closely.

"He is all around up, he has eyes everywhere. He can probably see us now."

"God?" Ginny spat sarcastically, "Come on, stop being so fucking cryptic, I'm gonna meet them in a minute, why can't I know who it is now?"

"Because that would ruin the surprise, haven't you ever heard of suspense? Let the tension build, feel the apprehension, be filled with anticipation and anxiety!"

"What are you, a thesaurus. Cut it out. Fine, I'll go along with the _suspense_."

"Thank you."

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Remus Lupin sat in his office, at his desk grading last Tuesdays tests. He was quite involved with his work that he didn't hear his door open. What did attract his attention, however, was the overbearing smell of incense and perfume. He looked up to she a flustered Professor Trelawny in front of his desk.

"Well, how did everything go?" He asked, trying to remain as serious as possible, but despite his efforts a devilish smile played on his lips. Trelawny huffed a little, pressing her hands to her temples then waving them in front of her face.

"I saw it would have gone wonderfully well if there hadn't been a distraction, which I had also foreseen mind you." Lupin's smile fell.

"A distraction? Then nothing happened?"

"Nothing of any consequence, but he was interested, just like you'd said, I even read his palm and I—" She blushed, placing her hand on her cheek and muttering 'Oh, My!" This prompted Lupins smile to return. "Of course I'd seen this already, I knew that he liked me, but I wasn't quite sure if I should move or wait for him! It was because of your encouragement, I can't believe he has lasted this long, it's so obvious he is in love with me, practically everyone can see it! Why he has been falling head over heels for me, tripping over his love, practically incoherent when I'm around him. Gets so flustered! And he's so shy, too!"

"You just need to keep going for him, he really does like you a lot."

"Oh, I know! If you could've seen him! Like a little school boy! And here I am blushing like a young little school girl! I feel so giddy!"

"You look absolutely stunning, why if I didn't know that Snape had a crush on you I think I'd date you myself!" Lupin said, barely able to keep himself from laughing. Trelawny giggled profusely, covering her face with her hands.

"Why Professor Lupin, I do believe you are flirting with me! You are a naughty, naughty man! You know my heart belongs to Severus!" Lupin smiled even more, it was now spread from one ear to the other, he leaned back and folded his hands on his chest looking quite proud of his handiwork. 'Never too old to pull a prank!' He thought to himself.

"…However, what you've said gives me an idea!" Trelawny continued, winking at him. Lupin cocked his head to the side. "Severus is so shy, I can hardly imagine him ever trying to make a move—"

"You just have to be patient, like I've told you he really does like you."

"Yes, but I think he might need some encouragement, a push in the right direction if you will, to make him admit his feelings. Now, what if you and I put on that we're going together," Lupin's smiled vanished. "We'll put on a show, you'll hold my hand, whisper sweet nothings in my ear, kiss me—"

"K-k-kiss you? I really don't think this is a good idea!"

"Nonsense, it's a brilliant idea! You do want to see Severus and I together and happy don't you?"

"More than anything, but this won't work."

"Of course it will, as soon as he sees you and me together he'll go into a jealous rage, challenge you to a duel, and when he wins he'll grab me and kiss me, proclaiming his love so that everyone can hear. Won't it be romantic?"

"Terribly." Lupin sat forward, running his hands through his hair. "But do you think it will work like that?"

"Think? I know! I foresee it happening that way, that's why we must put on the pretense of having a relationship! You told me yesterday you'd do anything you could to help." Lupin gulped, regretting not only what he'd said but everything he'd done. It was Snape that was supposed to be in hell, not him.

"Come now, It's time for diner and you're going to escort me there, arm in arm." She pulled Lupin out from behind his desk and entwined their arms together. Trelawny flushed noticeably.

"Now, when we get down there you have to tell me how beautifully radiant I am and kiss me, and I'll feed you!"

When they got to the dining hall, arm in arm, the whole hall fell silent. Then whispers exploded, along with chuckles, giggles, and out right laughing. Even the exhausted Gryffindors managed to laugh, though Harry looked more confused than amused. Snape was smiling happily at Lupin's misfortune and the fact that _she_ wasn't trying to get into his pants anymore. Lupin hung his head in shame and embarrassment as Trelawny dragged him up to the teachers table. She leaned in close to his ear after they'd sat down and commanded:

"Say it now, and say it loud and clear so he can hear you." Lupin closed his eyes and grimaced.

"You are beautifully radiant tonight, my dear." He spoke softly and to the table, no one heard. Trelawny pinched his arm and demanded he say in louder.

"You're beautifully radiant tonight, m-my dear." The whole hall laughed, well, some girls 'awwwwed', and Ron gagged in disgust. Snape smirked, watching as Trelawny proceeded to feed Lupin, who looked ready to cry. Without having to worry about Trelawny anymore, Snape focused his attention on McGonagall.

"Have you seen Hermione yet?" She looked up at his questionably.

"It's Sunday, why would I have seen her today? Is there something wrong?"

"You haven't heard?"

"Heard what?"

"I assumed, since you are the head of the house that you would've heard." Minerva was getting quite annoyed, she didn't like being strung along, left out, played with, or any of those types of annoying things that kept her out of the loop and ill-informed.

"Heard what, Severus." The impatience in her voice was obvious, Snape bolstered a bit, taking a bite of his Kidney Pie, determined to be the one in charge of the conversation and take advantage of the fact that he had the upper hand. That he knew something that she didn't know, that always tickled Snape, when her knew more than other people. Which is probably why he taught, he enjoyed screaming at and correcting students every time they messed up, it made him not only feel powerful, but also smart and wise.

"She's stuck." He said simply, as if he assumed she would know what he was talking about. Her nose flared in anger, her lips pursed so tightly together until they were just a line.

"What do you mean stuck, Severus? Do you expect me to guess?" By this time the two had attracted attention from other professors, including Lupin who jumped into the conversation, desperate to get away from Trelawny.

"Is she stuck in a hole?" He offered, but Snape shook his head.

"In a room?" Dumbledore guessed.

"No." Snape sneered, a little impatient, as if everyone was supposed to know what stuck meant. Minerva finally had enough.

"Just get out with it, Severus, where and how is Miss Granger stuck?" She snapped angrily. Snape looked a bit put out, but buckled under her glare unable to keep up his bravado, and explained what had happened to Hermione.

"Why wasn't I informed?" McGonagall cried, standing up quickly and making her way to the Gryffindor tower. Lupin stood to follow also.

"Wait, I'll come help!" He offered.

"No, you enjoy your date with Trelawny." Snape smirked, before sweeping after McGonagall. Crest fallen, Lupin sat back down; muttering obscenities under his breath.

"What's the matter darling?"

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"It's dinner, I'm hungry. Can't we go eat and come back later?" Ginny whined. They were in an old unused storage room, it was dark, dirty and seedy. Truthfully Ginny didn't feel one hundred percent safe, after what had happened in her first year she'd always been on edge. For all she knew Colin was under the imperious spell like or some death eater polyjuiced to look like him, for all she knew this was another trap.

"Stop whining. We wait here for him, just like you wanted."

"Great, so we're here not eating dinner, waiting for a guy who probably is eating dinner."

"Look, you can leave, but this was a one time offer." Ginny frowned and leaned against the wall, stupidly she'd given Colin back his pictures. Now she had no leverage over him and wasn't feeling as confident as she was before. 'Colin is a pervvy, who could try to rape you, or get you nude and take pictures of you!'

"I'm not posing for any of your nasty pictures." Colin just laughed.

"There is no demand for you." Ginny looked offended.

"None what so ever?" It wasn't like Ginny was unattractive, she had long legs, a large bust, and cute, curly red hair.

"Sorry babe, none." She clenched her teeth.

"Don't call me babe." Just as Ginny was about to grab Colin, the leader of the Black Market walked in, finishing off a piece of pie.

"This your girlfriend Colin?" Ginny looked up to see in front of her not a guy like Colin had said, but instead Millicent Bulstrode.

"Bulstrode? Colin, you said it was a 'he'!" Colin just shrugged, picking up his camera and walking over to Millicent.

"Why's the Weaselette here?" Millicent, who in her younger day had been a boxy, square-jawed girl, with an ugly face, looking more like a boxer than a little girl, had grown into her body quite well. She didn't have the same boxy shape, she wasn't stick thin, but rather soft, not round or plump, and her face while not striking was pretty and matured. However, despite her change in appearance the Gryffindors still cruelly used nicknames like 'The Boxer' or 'Ape Girl'.

"She wants a job, but hold on a second because I have some great new pictures of Draco for you! You won't believe your eyes." Colin excitedly began to magically develop the photos.

"Really? I didn't think you'd be able to get good shots after the professors intervention." Colin held out the developed pictures to Millicent, who gasped when she saw the content.

"I guess they didn't have too much affect, at least not on his love life." Flipping through the pictures Millicent laughed in astonishment.

"You're a genius Colin! These are going to be worth a lot on the streets, I'll get you a list of clients who'll really go for this kind of thing. How on earth did you get these, he looks so desperate and angry." She reached into her bag and pulled out a pouch of money.

"You've done well Colin. You're my ace, I can always count on you to push quality. Now, about this Weasel wanting a job, what's she interested in?"

"I don't know, ask her yourself, if you're all done with me I think I'll be on my way."

"No you don't, you're going to have to show her the ropes, once I assign her a job that is. Now, lets see, what can you do?" Millicent walked around Ginny, sizing her up.

"I'm good at whatever you want me to be good at." Millicent laughed.

"Means you're talent less. I can't do anything with you if you got no specialties." Ginny was furious, she didn't want to be looked down on by a Slytherin or have less talent then Colin Creevy. She thought hard, what could she do. She was a good damsel in distress, she could be rather brassy, brazen, and bossy, she had more brothers then she needed, she set up both Hermione and her Brother and Dean and Lavender, she had flaming red hair and freckles… wait…

"I'm a matchmaker."

"A what?"

"Matchmaker. I can set people up together." Millicent furrowed her brow.

"Intriguing, but how does playing cupid turn a profit?"

"Well, we could put together comprehensive books of data about all the singles girls and guys in Hogwarts, then we have our clients look through the books and choose the person they'd like to be matched with, the harder the match, like the more popular the person, the more expensive." Millicent thought, stroked her chin, and then slapped Ginny on the back.

"Great idea. But I hate it. It's too pure. Why not the opposite."

"The opposite..you mean breaking people up." Millicent nodded enthusiastically. "I don't get it." Ginny confessed.

"Matchmaking is great, but it's too cliché and who knows how well it will work, but people hate breaking up, it's awkward, but with a middle man to do it, or set something up that will for sure cause a break up, do you see what I'm getting at? Good. Also, we could cater to people who want to see a specific couple broken up, like a jealous ex, or something. It's perfect."

Perfect or Disastrous?

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The night wrapped up like so: Ginny is now working for Millicent as a Breaker-upper

Hermione, despite the best efforts of her housemates, Pansy, Snape, and McGonagall is still stuck.

Lupin, after a few hours of cat and mouse chasing finally escaped Trewlany's clutches.

And yes, Draco is still bound and gagged. Poor, poor Draco.

Now, for Harry Potters thought's:

Harry Potter was rather well adjusted, I mean considering everything, he is a fairly normal kid who happens to be a wizard and who happens to be a hero and who happens to have a mortal enemy. But he's going to school, he has friends, he plays sports, crams the night before tests, and has a crush on his rival: One angle faced, platinum blonde, Slytherin, Draco Malfoy.

Which adds yet another twist to the whole "normal kid", because now he is also gay:

Insert internal conflict here if you like that kind of stuff.

Tonight, despite being absorbed in trying to fix Hermione, Harry couldn't get the thoughts of Draco Malfoy bound and gagged out of his mind. It wasn't that he was into the whole S&M bondage thing, but Draco looked sexy tied up and defenseless like that. He imagined Draco on his bed, hands tied to the bed posts with Harry's Gryffindor Standard Uniform Tie, smirking up at him, platinum blonde hair falling into his eyes. Delicious.

Insert more internal conflict here if that would bring you more satisfaction.

Harry lay in bed, hand wrapped around his cock, jerking off while looking at a picture of Draco doing the same, compliments of Colin Creevy. He closed his eyes as he came, letting out a moan of pleasure. Afterwards he lay in bed, the picture locked safely away where no one would find it, and wondered if Draco was even gay? What would his friends think? What would the world think? Could a national hero just come out? Were hero's who fought the Dark Lord even allowed to be gay? Would they assign some one else the prophecy?

His insecurities were just that insecurities, rather unfounded and absurd insecurities at that, after, how do you fire a hero, how do you replace a legend? But Harry couldn't bear the thought of being shoved into a cupboard and forgotten again, no, he'd rather be in his closet than his cupboard.

(Look, I did the internal conflicts for you… sort )

A/N: this is where today's chapter ends, I'm sorry that Draco didn't get unbound, but that will be the first thing that happens in the next chapter.

And this will officially turn into a HD story after this.

Watch Jon Stewart and listen to good music.


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